Confidence Is A State of Mind
by James Greenier
I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be and I finally became that person.
Or he became me. Or we met at some point. -Cary Grant, on acting
Are you someone who is lacking in confidence when it comes to meeting women? Is this a part of your life that is bringing you anxiety? There is a reason that you are having these feelings and that they are making you uncomfortable; you are feeling inadequate in one way, shape, or form. This inadequacy is about perception. The image you think you are supposed to uphold, that of a confident person, and the image of the person you perceive yourself to be, inadequate, are not matching up. Once you’ve realized that it’s the way you are unfairly judging yourself that’s undermining your ability to face the world with confidence, you can take steps to make a change. If you are looking down on yourself, you likely think that others will be to. This is all happening inside of your head. That woman standing over there at the table with her girlfriends has no idea who you are or who you do or don’t measure up to. For all she knows you are Cary Grant reincarnated. You need to step up to the plate and level the playing field in your own eyes. You were born with the potential to become the absolute best version of yourself that you could possibly be. Anything that you are unhappy with can be improved in some way through dedication and hard work.
You may have heard the phrase fake it til you make it. It’s a great method to use until you realize that, rather than faking it, you’ve actually become it. Think about how an actor gets into his role as a particular character. He will learn everything about that character and get it into his head that he is now that person. That’s the only way to make it believable. I am not advocating that you need to become someone else in order to be confident, but you do want to become a better, more confident version of yourself, don’t you? It has taken a lifetime to shape the person that you are today. And you can’t be all that bad. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You do not have to try to become a different person before you can feel like you measure up to what others think you should to be. The idea is to find a woman who wants to be with you as you, not you acting as if you are someone else. So many relationships end because it becomes apparent that someone wasn’t being authentic in the beginning. When they get to know the real person, it wasn’t someone that they were compatible with in the first place. You do not want to waste any time with people who are not going to appreciate the real you. You just have to do a little work to get them to want to know who that person is in the first place.
You must first visualize this confident version of yourself. Envision yourself talking to beautiful, interesting women who admire you, respect you and want to genuinely get to know you better. Imagine yourself feeling completely at ease and expressing yourself authentically and confidently. Once you can see it, you can learn to emulate that future version of yourself. That becomes the character that you want to portray. Now you must prepare yourself for your new role. Get to know who this person is and learn how to become him. Think of characters on television or people that you’ve seen in your life whose self-confidence you’ve admired. What did they do that stood out to you? Write it down. Imagine yourself doing those things. Get into their frame of mind. You have to believe that you are this confident person, even if deep down inside your insecurity is telling you that you aren’t. If you don’t believe it, then neither will anyone else. It’s kind of like a mind game that you are playing with yourself. You have to have faith in yourself to be able to pull off this role. You can be any version of yourself that you want to be. If you want to be confident, you can be. If you truly want to learn this new skill, this self-confidence, you must become a student. With every new skill you want to add to your repertoire, it takes effort. You must study and practice. There needs to be self-reflection, book study and field study. Nothing worth having comes easily, but with persistence it can be accomplished.
Believe you can and you’re halfway there, said Teddy Roosevelt, and he was right. Make two lists, one of your good qualities and one of the qualities that you’d like to change. The first list will be your starting point for creating positive affirmations. These are mantras that you can repeat to yourself in order to help put you in a positive can-do frame of mind. If you are successful in your career or are a student who is working towards a career goal, list that. If friends tell you that you are a great listener and always offer great advice, add it to your list. You can turn these into affirmations by putting them into declarative statements. I am successful at my job. I am actively pursuing my career goals. I am a successful student. I am a great listener. My friends appreciate me and seek me out for advice. You need to appreciate the core of who you are. You can also list times when you felt you were courageous or brave. Did you stand up to someone who was bullying another person? Is there a time that you remember that you took initiative and it paid off? Ask trusted friends or family to help point out your strong points and add those to your list. It is okay to boost your ego. See yourself as this person when you are feeling insecure or just less than confident. If you remember these courageous things that you have done in your life already, you will be able to summon that inner courage when you are facing a potentially anxiety-inducing social interaction. The other list-the list of things you want to change-that is your “to do” list.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. You will never stop trying to improve. Whoever you are in the world you can always strive to do better. This is why you see computer systems, electronics and cars constantly upgrading. There is always room for improvements in everyone and everything. Growth should be happening until the day you die. Be optimistic. Accept who you are now, but know that you will be continuously improving yourself. Successful people are successful because they are constantly working toward improvement. You can always strive to become a better, more confident version of yourself. Confidence is a state of mind.
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